Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Fuck All Cats

Long time readers of this wondrous blog know that last summer, we had a difficulty with one of our cats, Doc.

As a brief recap, we went away on vacation, and a friend of ours fed the cats. But instead of having our friend walk into our basement to feed them (people have entered our basement and never returned) we brought the food bowls into the kitchen. This seemed to trigger a strange reaction in Doc, and he started using our kitchen as his litter box.

Apparently, "don't shit where you eat" doesn't apply to cats.

If you've never had the chance to smell cat urine, consider yourself lucky. It's a vile, thick smell that is very hard to mask.

We worked out the problem, and after months of retraining, Doc resumed using his litter box in the basement.

Then, this morning, on my way back from a dawn patrol surf session, I got a call from Judy. "I have some bad news," she said.

I'm half Italian. When the phone rings and the voice on the other side tells you that they have "bad news," you're pretty sure someone has died. However, when Judy told me about the puddle of pee in the middle of the kitchen floor, I almost wished my Uncle Santo had died instead... he's had a nice, long life.

Anyway, I came home to find Doc sitting by the crime scene, nonchalantly licking his paw. "I will fucking ruin you!" I shouted at him... he looked up, without a shred of fear, and walked past me to lay in a sunspot.

So, fuck all cats.

8 comments:

Jorge said...

And that's why I have a Sheltie. Cats suck.

Tomer said...

Hehe !! this and the last post with falcor must be the most amusing posts I've read in months!

Dinosaur Trader said...

I just walked up to the cat, who was laying, peacefully on the bed, pointed my finger at him and said, "Doc, I'm gonna fuck you up!"

Slept through it all.

Fucking hate him.

-DT

Retard Trader said...

Cats are only meant to give dogs entertainment and to help show men which women are insane.

Retard Trader said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dogwood said...

Feed the cat to the neighbors dog, then shoot the dog for killing your cat. No more cat pee in the kitchen, no more barking dog keeping you awake and annoyed.

Your welcome.

Dinosaur Trader said...

Dogwood,

I like that... developing...

Retardo,

Well said... what does it mean if I had the cat before I moved in with my wife? You know what? Forget it. I don't want to know...

-DT

Retard Trader said...

No, no.. I'll answer your question.

Dr Fuller Torrey, president of the Stanley Medical Research Institute in Bethesda, has found that the parasite known as Toxoplasma gondii, often found in cat droppings, can produce a vulnerability to the onset of schizophrenia later in life.

Also, cat litter has been linked to mental illness:
http://www.pharmaceutical-business-review.com/article_news.asp?guid=C17E372F-8C21-41ED-82FE-FAB2B45C893C