There's No Place Like Home

Judy teaches yoga. She's a great person, full of positivity and love.

On the other hand, I hate people.

Anyway, one night after dinner while we were preparing our daughter's, okay wait... who am I kidding, while SHE was preparing our daughter's lunch for school, it became clear that her new "Wizard of Oz" lunchbox had disappeared. A crisis involving thrown carrots, peas, and feline abuse ensued. The good news was that Judy quickly remembered where she last saw it, at the yoga studio. The cats were spared.

Since I had been locked inside the house all day, I volunteered to go down to the studio when the last class of the day ended, at 7pm.

"Who's teaching?" I asked.

"Belinda," said Judy with a little smile.

Belinda, you see, is hotter than tabasco sauce on a camel and Judy likes to poke fun at me since she knows I think she's hawt. She only gets away with this because she knows that Belinda wouldn't take a second glance at me even if I was, say, the only heterosexual man at a gay parade. Does that make sense? No bother...

Whatever, I thought... Belinda is going to notice me, I'll show Judy!

And so I drove down to the studio, the whole way playing out the scenario in my head.

I'd walk in all casual and say, "Oh, hey Belinda, how'd class go?"

Chances are she'd look confused and ask me who I was.

"Oh yeah, you don't remember me? DT? Judy's husband?"

She would say she didn't remember meeting me and take a step or two back.

"Bah!" I'd say, waving a hand at her, "We've met before, like 7 times!"

No, she'd say... we'd never met. She slowly start to reach for the phone receiver, most likely to call the cops.

"Right..." I'd continue with a knowing wink. "Anyway, you see a Wizard of OZ lunchbox laying around?"

Not exactly porn material, but I was praying that she had a thing for the "caring Dad" type, so I'd play that up... "Yeah, my daughter was just all broken up about it, but I told her, 'Don't worry honey, Daddy will find your lunchbox!'"

That'd get her. Fast forward to a little "downward dog" action and I'd be in.

Anyway, so here's what really happened...

I drove the 5 minutes into town while blasting the Animal Collective song "Hey Light." It was pouring rain. I highly suggest purchasing that song and driving through the rain in the dark while it's playing at an obscenely loud level.

So I arrived at the studio just as class was ending. It smelled of Nag Champra and was about 99 degrees. Candlelight filled the room and everyone was glowing orange and completely blissed out. I, on the other hand, was newspaper-colored and freezing cold. The positive energy crowd parted like the red sea as I entered the studio.

Now, a note about my personal appearance. I have a large unruly beard. I'm a winter surfer in a region of the world where the water temperature drops into the 30s... every hair helps, believe me. Also, I don't leave my house for days on end... why shave? I hate to shave!

So picture the scene. Me, wet, grey and hairy,entering this blissy room all orange and yellow with "good vibe" and "positive energy."

Through the dudes who looked like Jesus and the girls who looked like flowers, I spotted the lunchbox. My daughter had placed it under what passed as a "desk."

I bent down to pick it up.

Now, at this point, I kind of lost track of time. As I reached down for the box I noticed, there, under the desk, the exposed legs of Belinda. My GOD they were beautiful; glistening and dewey with sweat. The smell... it was something like the best parts of the earth... I must have gone into some sort of trance. Later I would blame the heat, but really, it was the legs... the naked, perfect legs of Belinda.

After some time, 20 seconds? 2 minutes? I really couldn't say, I stood up, Wizard of Oz lunchbox in hand. The positve energy people were staring at me... In fact, they had sort of closed me in. What was UP with these people? FUCK! It was orange and hot in this place. And quiet. Were these people humming? I was all disoriented. It suddenly seemed to get very quiet...

Belinda's boyfriend, a nationally-known weight lifter and ultimate fighter dude, was staring at me.

This was it... the end for me.

"Hey dude," he said gesturing under the desk, "Nice view?" He looked down at my Dorothy lunchbox, smirked, and shook his head in disgust, or perhaps disbelief.

Now, I could either play stupid, or be straight up about the situation. I decided to play it straight up.

"Man," I began, "you're a lucky guy." His face tightened. "Good thing for you I like men, eh?" I said, winking at him. At this point I held up the Dorothy lunchbox somewhat emphatically. I figured if he made a move for me, I could smash it across his face.

But he didn't. My act had thrown him off his game and I made for the exit, positive energy crew parting once more like the red sea.

DT. Wins. Again.