Sunday, June 1, 2008

Some Fan Email For DT

Wow, I received this email from a poor lady in the Ivory Coast. Seems her husband died and she wants to give his inheritance to me as long as I use it in a godly way. As you know, DT is all about godliness.

From Mrs Anita Adams
N�[38 Rue Des Martyrs Cocody
Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire

ATTN: DEAREST ONE OF GOD

I am the above named person from Kuwait . I am married to Mr Adams Johnson, who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.


Not for nothing, but "gunshot wound" doesn't really translate into "brief illness" over here... Anyway, why no children? He shooting blanks?

Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $2. 5 Million (Two Million Five Hundred U.S. Dollars) in the bank here in Abidjan in suspense account.

Look, if my entire immediate family died and I had a few million to scatter, I'd spend it all on whores and blow.

Presently, the fund is still with the bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained.

I dunno... stroke is bad but I'd worry about that cancer thing too. Mrs. Adams, you contacted the right guy. Despite my unfortunate comment about "whores and blow," I happen to run a church and an orphanage and I'm prepared to use at least some of the funds to help manage those facilities.

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence i know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

You're hitting all the right buttons here... I fucking hate "unbelievers" too! God works in funny ways, and I guess He, in His infinite wisdom, decided to pair us two "believers." It was He who made me check my bulk mail folder today... I think I'm going to weep.

Anyway, before you "go," and I mean, die, I'd love to get a beer or two with you and beat the shit out of a couple of "unbelievers." In fact, one time I hit an "unbeliever" so hard in the stomach with a baseball bat that his left eye bulged out of his head permanently. God, indeed, is great, and He hates "unbelievers." However, if you give unbelievers "bulging eye" He loves you.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives is around me always I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan . I want you and the church to always pray for me because the Lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Surrounded by unbelievers in your last days... My heart, Mrs. Anita Adams, goes out to you. Okay, I'm gonna email you and you send me the bank information. Sounds good. Meanwhile, with some of the funds, I'm gonna send a small team of "bad people" (only bad to "unbelievers") to take care of your late husbands family. They haven't lived in accordance with your beliefs, and I say we kill them all. With God, all things are possible... surely you should take a few "unbelievers" with you when you go.

Contact me on the above e-mail address for more information’s, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply.

Whoa! What's with the pressure? Clearly, you took your time and worked hard at "sourcing" me for this opportunity? What are you gonna do? Just email millions of random people? That sounds like a really bad idea. Some "unbeliever" will get their hands on your email and use it to steal your money from you. And you know those "unbelievers..." some of them will even stoop so low as to pose as a "believer" just to make dirty Internet money.

Remain blessed in the Lord. Yours in Christ, Mrs Anita Adams.

Amen.

6 comments:

Tyro said...

And you know those "unbelievers..." some of them will even stoop so low as to pose as a "believer" just to make dirty Internet money.

Muh ha ha! You figured us out!

You've got to give us credit. So many unbelievers stand up in front of a congregation, say the right Christian-y words and then ask for money, call it tithing and _boom_, we get it. Can't blame someone for trying a little Internet action!

Dogwood said...

Ya know, if you're running low on material you can write another history piece for us!

Bluedog said...

I helped someone like this in Nigeria a few years back. Praise the Lord!

BD

HPT said...

I wondered how you got your account so big BlueDog. Luckily I don't use yahoo as my main email account anymore, because lately the main inbox has been getting about 5-10 of those emails a day, probably 30 per day in the spam box. I remember trader X made a post like this where he won the lottery thru an email and he decided to quit trading. StockHunter won the lottery about 6 months ago too. It's only a matter of time before we all win, I just need to get my prayers right and stop swearing so much and perhaps GOD will lend some money to me too.

bl said...

I never heard about TraderX winning a lottery and quitting trading. What???

JakeGint said...

Why waste all that great internets comedy ability on her religion?

Why not go after her race and gender too?

Equally funny stuff, imho.